//The Start of a New Ending

I hope these will be my memories that I can savour. To keep. I hope.

i'm not sure what should come first, friends or family. because to me, you are considered both. you have always been with me. this isn't the truth, but that's how it feels. you've been with me through good, and bad. even though i don't even when it's a bad time, just being in your presence, give me comfort. or should i say, all this was the past. i know we haven't been close lately, and the fact that i haven't noticed it until lately, is what hurts the most. i know what we once had, will probably never happen again. but i'm glad we can still be friends. and i thank you for that.

What I say and what I want to express, are two things that seem impossible for me. So I do the cowardly thing.. and write it down instead.

sometimes, even to me, it's hard to classify you. i can feel you are my closest friend, yet at the same time, you're a world apart. there is never a dull moment being beside you. and that is what i love best. you make me let go of all my guards and worries with just looking at you. our jokes and actions will never be understood by others. our own world. just proving how close we really are. and that's how i want to keep it. my feelings for you... can never be expressed, so i won't even try.

Lists and organisation. Grouping and classification. Sometimes it's hard arranging your thought and condensing them into words.

you...at times i feel, you are the only person. to rely on. to trust. to love. but at the same time... i hate you. we are so close, that the slightest push will make our world tumble. our friendship is so strong, that it can break so easily. we can argue, we can destroy and ourselves and the next day, act like nothing has happened. our relationship, i can only describe... as sadomasochistic. i think us being so similar, can be the worse aspects at times. but in truth, you are my true friend and i do love you despite how i might act at times. and i hope that nothing, except ourselves, will ever break this incomparable bond we have.

Has my life been so traumatic that I can no longer trust anything in this world? Don't even trust my family, my friends, or even myself. Has my life always been this way? With my self hating and depressing thoughts? Am I so sheltered that I have become so selfish and self centered? It's hard to keep everything inside all the time. I hate feeling that it's all building up inside me, just waiting to blow, making my blood boil, my body weak and making me feel so sick. I never show my true feelings, my insecurities, my secret. I don't think I ever will. And it hurts, to think that friends trust me, confide in me, when I can't do the same. To have such muddled and confused thoughts. What I try to say is always silenced. What I try to think is coded. And nothing will ever change that.

Why is there such thing as hate?
Why does it even exist?
What purpose does it have? Other than to destroy and destruct?
To be so overwhelmed by it.
To control your thoughts and actions.
The pain it induces.
And the pain you inflict on yourself, just so that the pain you feel inside... stops.
Just so that you can forget.
What is in the physical world does not matter. (what you "feel" does not exist)
It is the emotional and psychological world that has meaning.
That is so weak.
That is so vulnerable.
That is so concealed, that you, yourself can not even find it.
Shrouded in the mist of feelings and emotions.
The barrier, preventing escape.

signing out // feeling ignorant // 19.08.06