for the first time in my entire life...
im actually grounded.

a sudden realisation of how spoilt i really am.
or should i say. was.

and here i am now.
to shout my frustrations out to a world which probably couldnt even care less.
one where my lone existence is insignificant.

and now is the time.
where its too late to appreciate things.
things once had, and never appreciated
accepted, but never to the extent that it wouldnt leave regret later.

my sorrows.
not even spoken to those i deem close.
ignorance, selfishness and untrustworthiness.
why am i always unable to express what i need to most.

the irony of it being the time i need something
or someone to talk to
and it not being there.

a mix of emotion.
the one i want most to come out
hatred.
but for some reason it wont come.
because i have no one i could hate.
i cant.
because i know. i am the one at fault.
so all i can do.
is hate myself.

i constantly waste my life away.
never putting effort into anything i do.
even when those that love me the most put so much effort for me to have the best life to live.
yet do i return their efforts with mine?
i throw them aside without any sign of gratitude.

it time to be serious
and stop fooling around.
what i hear. and what i can never fully comprehend.
no matter how hard i try
its hard. to change how i am.
and what i am.
stupid. a pure fool.

but i never asked anyone to love me.
i never wanted anyone to put effort on me.
it was wasted.
because i can never live up to the expectations people put on me.
are their standards too high?
or mine too low.

assume. expect. what i hate most.
regret.
i hate being this way.
like im willowing in my own self pity.
but i do not pity myself. for there is nothing to pity.
i am worthless.
to the extent that i cant even return the happiness to those that give it to me, back.

i have nothing to do but to move on from this.
but right now its so hard.
and im so sad.
and so sorry.
to those ive hurt.

signing off // feeling helpless // 06.10.05