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Sunday, April 08, 2007
Monday, January 08, 2007
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
//dirge
i feel myself wasting away
each molecule of my being
dissipating
(decontextualised body parts?)
the irony
of what has been analysed
thoroughly
(until it is no more?)
when it then becomes
fully understood
and realised
(when you become simplistic in your own thoughts?)
never understanding
the randomness
of litigated words
(and forever becoming full of nonsense?)
what has been tagged as something
and judged as pitiful excuse
of every-thing-else
(what will be left?)
once more
right here
living in this
stone-cold-world
when will nothing
become something
and that
to only be
demolished once more...
signing off // feeling anticipation // 12.11.06
Thursday, October 19, 2006
//mind
the decaying heart within
what can compensate for this abyss?
will it heal what has been shred and torn and mended only to-
be broken once more?
this sacrificial moment
once taken
will forever leave
not once thinking (back)
or premonishing (forward)
through time until it
stops
and you think to yourself..
what is true and done and lived and safe?
to hope
for what you already have
to ask
when you already have the answer
and to wish..
when you want nothing more than to throw it all away
and give up
because it all becomes meaningless
without you
signing off // feeling reminiscent // 20.10.06
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
//freedom
how we yearn for wings
whether that of a bird, or an angel
those aerodynamic structures
enabling us to reach the sky
(only) just to find
that even the sky has its limits
constraints
the faint cage -at which-
even the best bird cannot escape
the suffocation of its altitude
the freezing winds shivers into your bones
gravity pulling you down
back to earth
to where we are meant to be
to where we wish never to stay
at the edge of reasoning
we become flightless
our wings are found
produced from wax
melted from the sun
providing us this illusion
blinded by the facade
allowing us to aim high
and to fall so low
until we are destroyed
from our manifest of freedom
and our gifts of flight
signing off // feeling flightless // 24.09.06
//through
stop.
when you stare,
malignantly at the purpose(lessness) scape,
of promises, assurances, words and such things.
stuck.
at the crossroads,
guaranteed nothing,
and given every-thing-else.
revel.
at what is broken.
the future set
and left apart.
envision.
the decontextualised,
seclusion -whilst-
amid the soulless people.
comprehend.
the insecurity
of the slight...
...hesitation.
just stop.
signing off // feeling reclusive // 17.09.06
//woe
when its emptiness
overwhelms you
consumes you until
it hurts
and breaks apart
like the fragile life
of nothingness
void of emotion
staring at the cold
isolation
of the world
where nothing
can hide
where nothing
is true
and whatever it produces
is as filthy
as what it receives
what is meaningless
and means less
apathetic
distraught
wordless meanings
and meaningless words
to repair
and mend
the hole and blackened
heart
is once
and never
again
signing off // feeling *sigh* // 13.09.06
//theMASK
throughout life
you succeed in fooling yourself
to pretend
to be someone you're not
to keep up the act
with that mask
covering what is true.
throughout life
you succeed in fooling everyone else
you change
you become what
-in their eyes- is you
(but) what they think you are
is what you're not.
and forever
this cycle goes
until you realise
that this is not life
this is not what should be lived
wasted energy
..unfinished
signing off // feeling ...omg... // 11.09.06
..the feeling of nothing,
each ones silence,
is quieter than the rest.
the void of euphoria,
melancholy,
emotions died out, lest-(we forget).
helpless without avail,
comforted by an invisible embrace,
solitude, at its weakest.
maybe you would understand,
the dagger left inside,
no time to protest.
never was once belief,
faith is what fools believe in,
only the true are blessed.
eternity wrapped in one second,
plunging, fighting,
over heart's conquest.
nothing is what is seems,
shrouded in an abyss of nonexistence,
nothing left but to obsess..
signing off // feeling confused // 27.08.06
//The Start of a New Ending
I hope these will be my memories that I can savour. To keep. I hope.
i'm not sure what should come first, friends or family. because to me, you are considered both. you have always been with me. this isn't the truth, but that's how it feels. you've been with me through good, and bad. even though i don't even when it's a bad time, just being in your presence, give me comfort. or should i say, all this was the past. i know we haven't been close lately, and the fact that i haven't noticed it until lately, is what hurts the most. i know what we once had, will probably never happen again. but i'm glad we can still be friends. and i thank you for that.
What I say and what I want to express, are two things that seem impossible for me. So I do the cowardly thing.. and write it down instead.
sometimes, even to me, it's hard to classify you. i can feel you are my closest friend, yet at the same time, you're a world apart. there is never a dull moment being beside you. and that is what i love best. you make me let go of all my guards and worries with just looking at you. our jokes and actions will never be understood by others. our own world. just proving how close we really are. and that's how i want to keep it. my feelings for you... can never be expressed, so i won't even try.
Lists and organisation. Grouping and classification. Sometimes it's hard arranging your thought and condensing them into words.
you...at times i feel, you are the only person. to rely on. to trust. to love. but at the same time... i hate you. we are so close, that the slightest push will make our world tumble. our friendship is so strong, that it can break so easily. we can argue, we can destroy and ourselves and the next day, act like nothing has happened. our relationship, i can only describe... as sadomasochistic. i think us being so similar, can be the worse aspects at times. but in truth, you are my true friend and i do love you despite how i might act at times. and i hope that nothing, except ourselves, will ever break this incomparable bond we have.
Has my life been so traumatic that I can no longer trust anything in this world? Don't even trust my family, my friends, or even myself. Has my life always been this way? With my self hating and depressing thoughts? Am I so sheltered that I have become so selfish and self centered? It's hard to keep everything inside all the time. I hate feeling that it's all building up inside me, just waiting to blow, making my blood boil, my body weak and making me feel so sick. I never show my true feelings, my insecurities, my secret. I don't think I ever will. And it hurts, to think that friends trust me, confide in me, when I can't do the same. To have such muddled and confused thoughts. What I try to say is always silenced. What I try to think is coded. And nothing will ever change that.
Why is there such thing as hate?
Why does it even exist?
What purpose does it have? Other than to destroy and destruct?
To be so overwhelmed by it.
To control your thoughts and actions.
The pain it induces.
And the pain you inflict on yourself, just so that the pain you feel inside... stops.
Just so that you can forget.
What is in the physical world does not matter. (what you "feel" does not exist)
It is the emotional and psychological world that has meaning.
That is so weak.
That is so vulnerable.
That is so concealed, that you, yourself can not even find it.
Shrouded in the mist of feelings and emotions.
The barrier, preventing escape.
signing out // feeling ignorant // 19.08.06
for the first time in my entire life...
im actually grounded.
a sudden realisation of how spoilt i really am.
or should i say. was.
and here i am now.
to shout my frustrations out to a world which probably couldnt even care less.
one where my lone existence is insignificant.
and now is the time.
where its too late to appreciate things.
things once had, and never appreciated
accepted, but never to the extent that it wouldnt leave regret later.
my sorrows.
not even spoken to those i deem close.
ignorance, selfishness and untrustworthiness.
why am i always unable to express what i need to most.
the irony of it being the time i need something
or someone to talk to
and it not being there.
a mix of emotion.
the one i want most to come out
hatred.
but for some reason it wont come.
because i have no one i could hate.
i cant.
because i know. i am the one at fault.
so all i can do.
is hate myself.
i constantly waste my life away.
never putting effort into anything i do.
even when those that love me the most put so much effort for me to have the best life to live.
yet do i return their efforts with mine?
i throw them aside without any sign of gratitude.
it time to be serious
and stop fooling around.
what i hear. and what i can never fully comprehend.
no matter how hard i try
its hard. to change how i am.
and what i am.
stupid. a pure fool.
but i never asked anyone to love me.
i never wanted anyone to put effort on me.
it was wasted.
because i can never live up to the expectations people put on me.
are their standards too high?
or mine too low.
assume. expect. what i hate most.
regret.
i hate being this way.
like im willowing in my own self pity.
but i do not pity myself. for there is nothing to pity.
i am worthless.
to the extent that i cant even return the happiness to those that give it to me, back.
i have nothing to do but to move on from this.
but right now its so hard.
and im so sad.
and so sorry.
to those ive hurt.
signing off // feeling helpless // 06.10.05